5 Most Awkward Parenting Moments
I know it’s been awhile since I have posted, lets blame it on the fact that I ran out of coffee.
So, I was laying in bed last night, letting my boisterous brain do it’s nightly thing and run wild till I passed out. I have no idea where the idea came from but I started to think of all the awkward moments of parenthood. I’m not talking about going to Wal-Mart while wearing banana in your hair or when your tot repeats his favorite F- Word during Thanksgiving dinner. I’m talking about the really gritty moments, the ones that make you go online and look for new neighborhoods to move to. This led to me wondering if I was alone on this odd, and sometimes painful, trip down memory lane or if perhaps my most awkward reflects were a common occurrences in the crazy world of parenting. I listed my most embarrassing and amusing moments just for you entertainment. Please, ignore the sobbing.
5. Who Hasn’t Seen My Who-Ha?
Some people think pregnancy is a very beautiful, majestic thing. I, on the other hand, think it’s not only disgusting but also embarrassing. During my whole pregnancy I didn’t see the wonderful, beautiful pregnant women everyone else saw. I saw a fat, bloated, gassy, messy looking women with nice skin. I was impressed with the whole process, a human being made in my uterus, but the new changes outside was one hot mess. Childbirth was even more humiliating. I told my mid-wife how worried I was about accidentally farting in her face, or even worse, pooping on her when the time for delivery came around. Not to mention I saw videos of how it looks down there and it is not pretty, don’t care what you say. But yes, people looking at your Vajayjay is part of being a women.
So there I am laying in the stirrups, baby freshly popped out, awaiting to hear the details of the damage done, when I hear the twenty nurses (exaggeration, it was more like four) yelling, “Sir, you can’t be in here.” See I told the birthing staff that I didn’t want anyone in the room besides my husband and necessary medical personnel. My father, in his moment of pure eagerness and intense excitement, decided to follow the sounds of screaming grandchild and ran into the delivery room. Instead of being greeted by the sight of his beautiful granddaughter; he got front row, million dollar view of my who-ha being stitched up. There is some people who SHOULD NEVER see you from that angle. Good news is I didn’t poop.
4. Dinner Party Pooper
So let me set the scene for you. My husband and I needed a civilized meal around civilized people. So we went to the Olive Garden(the best we could come up with). We were forced to take our little bundle of joy with us due to the lack of available sitters, plus this would give me a chance to show her off. Several people had commented on how well-behaved our little pasta eater was being, which just added to the nights relaxing, quiet dinner we were enjoying. We were about half way through our dinner when our little one decided to let herself go and by let herself go I mean her bowels. This wasn’t a little, quiet “oh no someone needs a diaper change.” This was a catastrophe. Not only was it loud enough to alert the whole room of patrons but immediately after the long, echoing resonance, a putrid wind blew through the dining room. My face turned the color of my marinara sauce. I grabbed the dirty culprit and ran to the bathroom for relief, observing the dirty looks we got all the way.
3. Baby Gone Wild
My tot is a little on the anti-social side. The flat fact is she doesn’t like hardly anybody. So I figured if I took her to play with kids more often she would drop the hatred of outsiders and get more comfortable. Being it was still winter, the only place suitable was the play area at the mall, a place where I could sit and enjoy a book while letting my tot run about on soft and only slightly contagious play equipment. I was feeling pretty good about myself, watching her toddle around with other kids, shyly closing in on them. I then started to hear laughter. Not child laughter, adult laughter. I looked up to see my darling one year old, standing in front of a group of manly men, flashing her little chip chips. I was paralyzed by the incident. I know she was just trying to show the men her new-found belly button but this was not the time nor place or the people to show. All I remember was trying to lighten the moment by yelling, “Riley Paige, this isn’t Girls Gone Wild!”. Again, I found myself scooping up my trouble maker and fleeing the scene of the crime. Before the question even comes up, no I did not teach her that.
2. Getting Handzy in the Produce Aisle.
I definitely learned my lesson with this one. My tot and I were shopping at our local Sam’s club a little too close to nap time. Only about half way through our shopping trip, she began fussing and was wanting me to hold her and what not, so I decided to cut the trip short and just go to the produce aisle to grab some fruits and veggies before heading out. Well there I am, trying to pick the best bag of oranges when I felt a hard tug on my neckline. I looked down and my darling had ahold of my shirt, thank god I had a tank top on underneath it or someone might have gotten a peak at my melons. I tell the handzy little one not to do it again and move on to more fruit picking. A moment later I feel another tug, this time she had success and grabbed both my shirt and tank top. I snatched my shirt out of the little hands and repositioned myself. I then looked up to evaluate my surroundings in hopes no body saw me baring my produce. I looked up to lock eyes with an older man not five feet in front of me with a look on his face resembling a teen age boys after watching the girls gym class run the mile. I knew he had seen it all and I knew he was hoping we were in the frozen food aisle instead. Again trying to make light, I smiled and tastelessly joked, ” You would have though she was a breast-fed baby, huh?” By that time the humility had reached my legs and I high tailed it to the check out. When I got home I realized the oranges were rotten.
1. Dora the Self- Explorer
This one isn’t as much as embarrassing as just plain awkward and uncomfortable. My tot loves to take bathes. I pile the tub with toys and take the opportunity to clean the bathroom while I am stuck there. I often give her a couple of my shampoo bottles or face brush to play with when she gets tired of her usual toys. Well, in the middle of scrubbing the floor I hear her turn on my face brush and start laughing. I assumed she had found it amusing that she had figured out how to turn on the unusual contraption. I giggle along and say, “Did you figure it out honey, it feels funny doesn’t it.” I was horrified when I looked up to see she had turned my facial hygiene technology into a sex toy. I was mortified. I grabbed the vibrating brush out of her hand and put it up on the shelf, not saying another word. But it doesn’t stop there. It keeps going on, with her rubber ducky, a wash cloth, her own hand. I know it’s not sexual and that it is a normal process for children but I can’t help it, being the prude I am, to just cringe in disgust. I am starting to get used to it and now every time she does I say something like, “Yes, that’s your girly parts.” or ask her, ” Are you cleaning your special place?”. All while deep down in side praying my daughter doesn’t grow up to be a porn star. Well, now that you know my most embarrassing parenting moments and wonder what the hell I am teaching my child, I want to hear from you. What are some of your most awkward moments?